


The Love You Never Find - Part Two

by mansikka



Series: The Love You Never Find [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angry Eddie Diaz, Dancing, Family, M/M, POV Alternating, Pining, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Sexual Content, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 16:39:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23445526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: They don't want him. And they don't need him. So nobody will miss Buck if he leaves Los Angeles altogether, right?
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Love You Never Find [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1661806
Comments: 73
Kudos: 351
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Please see the notes on part 1 of this story!

**Buck**

It is only thanks to being exhausted after a long shift and some busy days that Buck manages to sleep at all. When his phone alarm sounds at half past seven Buck is tempted to snooze it for another couple of hours, a cold, creeping fear seeping into him when he remembers why he needs to get up.

Eddie is here. And while a part of him is singing for having him right here within touching distance, most of what Buck feels is reluctance. If Eddie hadn't shown up in Austin, there would have been a tangible, out of reach hope that sometime in the future, they would talk. Now the talking needs to happen _here_; Buck hasn't got the cushion of months of rehearsing his words, and he hasn't another shot at this. If they don't at least get some words in the right order between them, Buck knows he might not ever see Eddie again.

Under the spray of the shower, Buck tries to refocus his feelings, pour all the hurt he was going through into how abandoned he felt by the 118. Though he's had time to think, and worse, to second-guess himself. Should he have stuck around doing a job he didn't want to do, waiting for them to let him in again? Should he not have felt so forgotten with his name taped over, and the whole crew carrying on without him as though he didn't belong anymore?

Though no matter what Buck tries, no matter what effort he puts in to steering his attention, the truth behind his departure is singled out. He would have stayed if Bobby had called them all over for a dinner, letting Buck know he was still a part of the 118 family even if he had to wait a while to come back. He could have lived with knowing he couldn't be a firefighter for a few more weeks, if he'd been certain the rest of the team still had his back. But it was for realizing he was of no significance to _Eddie_ in particular that made him run as he did. Which is stupid; how can he tie everything he's been playing over and over in his thoughts just to _him_?

But if Eddie had told him about Lena, or talked to him about being kept off the team temporarily, Buck is adamant he would have stuck around. Why wouldn't he? His whole life is back in Los Angeles. He'd _thought_ his whole family was too. And why would he run so far away from Maddie after everything she has been through? But to stay in L.A. was to acknowledge that his presence was of no consequence to anyone really but her. More than anything, he'd wanted to be important to _Eddie_, and is mortified that everything he thought was developing between them was nothing more than his overactive imagination.

Eddie looked so mad at him earlier. Maybe a part of him is right to be; Buck knows guilt every day for not replying to his messages. Though what was he supposed to say? Buck doesn't know how he is supposed to just be friends with a person that he's been in love with so long, he didn't realize it until he was in the middle of it. And even now he still loves him, barely gets through a day without Eddie creeping in to his thoughts. He can't only be _friends_ and watch from the sidelines as Christopher grows up, Eddie meets someone else, and _he_ is relegated to sometimes-friend. He already _felt_ like that sometimes-friend when he'd first left Los Angeles.

He can't go on like this. Maybe this unexpected conversation with Eddie is exactly what he needs to move on with his life. Maybe he should then contact Bobby and apologize for ignoring him. Maybe Maddie will be a little easier on Chim if Buck voices how okay he is more out loud. Maybe this conversation will be what allows him to _be_ okay. Buck doesn't know. But he takes his time to dress, making sure to look his best under the guise of going out afterward. Which he is; with TK, Carlos, and Paul. And if this time with Eddie goes as painfully as he is expecting, Buck thinks he will be the first up at the bar ordering a drink. No _water_ for him this evening, possibly. Even if what Buck would prefer is that this doesn't hurt too much.

Nothing could have prepared Buck for the _look_ Eddie gives him when he arrives. He'd forgotten the way Eddie used to do this, how, depending on where they were, and with what company, Buck would get the distinct impression that Eddie was undressing him with his eyes. Perhaps he has chosen these particular jeans for being that little bit tighter than his others, and this shirt with three buttons undone that used to be a color he'd thought Eddie liked on him. But _why_ is he doing this? Buck asks himself as he silently lets Eddie in. None of this is going anywhere good.

"You look _good_, Buck," Eddie says when they are sat on the couch at opposite ends as though they are strangers. Which they might as well be; Eddie has never said anything to him like that before.

"Uh. Thanks." He doesn't add that Eddie does too, even though he does; he always does. Buck had forgotten that as well. Or not so much as forgotten, as has not seen the full force of it for a while. It's a little breathtaking, actually.

"Going somewhere good?"

"There's this club we like."

"_We_?"

"The crew," Buck says, sure he sees a flicker of anger on Eddie's face.

"Right."

"Yeah. They're good people."

"Must be, if you forgot all the rest of us just for being here."

"It was easy enough for you all to forget I was even part of your _team_, Eddie; when I was still right _there_." This is exactly how Buck feared the conversation was going to go. he shouldn't have agreed to see him again; though isn't this exactly the conversation they both deserve?

Eddie's face falls, looking down at his own wringing hands where he is sat perched on the edge of the couch like he doesn't plan on staying long. What the hell did he come here for, if this is all they have to say? "You're right; we shouldn't have done that," Eddie says, looking up then with a bitter, though sorrowful smile. "I didn't come here to argue with you about that."

"So what _did_ you come here to argue with me about?"

"How about, I didn't come here to _argue_ with you at _all_."

"What do you _want_, Eddie?" Buck asks, pleading with him to get out whatever it is he wants to say to him. Buck has to live with himself for walking away from everyone without a word. Though he also has to live with not meaning anything to any of them; not like he'd _hoped_ he did, anyway.

"I _want_ to know what I could have done different. What I could have said, or... how did things end up like _this_, Buck? We were friends. I hope we're _still_ friends. I just... what did I do _wrong_, Buck?"

It is a fair question. Yet it isn't an easy one to answer. Words like _neglect_ pop into Buck's thoughts but that makes him sound far needier than he really thinks he is. Though is he really asking too much, wanting people he'd considered family to at least acknowledge his absence? To have maybe given a second's thought to how replaceable they made him feel? To have at least acted like they missed not having him around?

Buck feels selfish, and childish, though still justified in being hurt. Perhaps not for running away like he did, but for everything else...

None of this is really the thing that is still getting to him. He knows this, and if he wants Eddie to be honest with _him_, he is going to have to give some honesty back.

"After what happened with the tsunami, I thought you'd never speak to me again. I _lost_ him," Buck says, still replaying all the different ways he could have held on to Christopher, instead of letting him go.

"I didn't—"

"Let me finish," Buck tells him, holding up his hand. "I just... when you told me you trusted me still, with Christopher. I think... you have no idea what that meant to me, Eddie. What it _still_ means to me." Buck can still recall every second of that moment, how a new hope had risen in him for not being so worthless after all. And for more than anything, being so honored that Eddie would trust him. Buck knows without even having to question it that it was that moment he really first acknowledged how in love he was.

"He misses you. So much."

"And I miss him. I miss all of you."

"We all miss you too," Eddie says, his voice dropping, and his eyes filled with regret.

"But do _you_ miss me, Eddie?" Buck asks, even though it is an agony to get the word out. "Do _you_? _Just_ you. Because for a while, it was like... you didn't even want me around anymore. Or you—no one told me I was being replaced, Eddie. I thought _you_ would've—_Lena_ just shows up in my place, right around the time Bobby stops making eye contact with me and doesn't return my calls, and... why didn't you _tell_ me?"

"Because she was only ever supposed to be there temporarily. Because Bobby thought he was helping out another team. Because... I don't _know_, Buck," Eddie says, running his hands over his head. "I thought... what with Christopher needing therapy, my head still a mess after Shannon, my parents pressuring me to move back to El Paso, and then _you_. I didn't—I messed up, Buck. I didn't mean to shut you out. That was the last thing I intended."

"Then me, _what_?" Buck asks, knowing all of the other things already. Those are the things he has comforted himself with when the thought of Eddie just giving up on him had grown too much. When it has been easier to justify that there were good reasons it felt like a distance was growing between them, instead of Eddie just getting bored of his company.

Eddie sighs, slumping back against the couch. "When you got sick, when you—at your party. When you were put on blood thinners, and in the hospital, and after almost thinking I lost you with your _leg_, I couldn't... the thought of maybe losing you for a second time, and the alternative being you were maybe not working with us for a little while. I could _live_ with that. But I couldn't live with losing _you_. It would _kill_ me," he adds, looking at Buck with such sincerity it puts a lump in his throat. He drops his head, plucking at his fingers and watching as he does it because he doesn't trust his face not to reveal how close he is to crying.

"Okay."

"Bobby was just trying to keep you safe, Buck, keep all of us safe. But _I_ was seeing you not being in the 118 for a few more weeks as insurance that I wouldn't lose you. After everything else, it would have just been too much. _Just_ losing you would have been too much. I don't think Hen, or Chim, or anyone really questioned Bobby's decision, because none of us wanted to lose you. We just... we all messed up, okay? And this thing with you _leaving_ like you did is a pretty extreme way to punish us for all that."

Buck _knows_ that, though also knows leaving when he did was the best decision he could have made for _him_. His experience here in Austin has given him a different kind of confidence in his work, and a new appreciation for it. And also one for doing things outside of work. It might have only been three months, but Buck has had more of a social life here in that short time than he has in the past two years.

Wherever he ends up next, there are things he wants to do for himself. And there are things he wants to be braver about. Including _Eddie_. Though there is no way that is going to happen. Right now, Buck thinks their choices up to now would mean working back to the friendship they had will be hard work. Would Eddie even think it's worth it?

"I should have messaged you back. All of you," Buck says, adamant he will not take all the blame for this, while also admitting to himself that Eddie has made some valid points as well. And that it's obvious he cares about him; even if it isn't quite in the way that Buck wants.

"Yeah. You _should_, Buck. I know you wouldn't have been working with us for a while, but it's _still_ not right without you. Not necessarily on the team, but... just not having you around. We _miss_ you."

_We_, Buck thinks, refusing to dwell on how much more he wants to hear about _Eddie_ missing him. "So. I'll start messaging."

"It's a start," Eddie says, now looking exasperated. What has he said wrong _this_ time?

"I will."

"Are you even taking care of yourself here?" Eddie adds, glancing him over, part protectively and part with that same heat from before.

"What do you mean?"

"You were on _blood thinners_."

"I was. But like I told you _all_, that didn't mean I couldn't work. I just took it easy, was a little more careful. If Captain Strand—"

"Judd?"

"No. That's Judd Ryder. He's filling in for Captain Strand. _Owen_. Owen was working up until I got here, while having chemo. He just took these last months off to recover now they know it's good. He's _looking_ good. He just needed to rest. I thought I explained that earlier today?"

"You did. In part," Eddie agrees. "Doesn't mean what he did gives you a free pass not to take care of yourself."

"But I did. And now I'm _off_ the thinners, and I'm doing great."

"Well. That's something."

The intercom for his apartment buzzes then, making Buck leap up to press it. Eddie runs his hands over his jeans before standing up as well. "That them?"

"Yeah. It will be. I didn't realize the time," Buck says, not sure he believes almost an hour has passed. Though also not surprised that TK has conveniently shown up early. He knows everything Buck feels about Eddie. Though he won't be expecting Eddie to be _here_.

"Are they early?"

"A little."

"I don't—do you need me to leave?" Eddie asks, which is stupid, because of course he does. Even if Buck would rather cancel his plans and curl up on the couch here with Eddie, so he knows that _they_ aren't quite as broken as they feel.

"We'll talk, okay? I'll message you. Tomorrow," Buck says, shoving his phone and wallet in his pockets and patting himself down to make sure he has everything he needs. He yanks the door open when he hears Paul singing in the hallway, knowing he is only doing it because he likes the way his voice echoes out there. He has a _voice_, so no one is complaining, even if he is a little loud.

"Tell us _everything_," TK says as he pokes Buck in the chest sending him staggering backward.

"Or not," Carlos says with loud, false enthusiasm as his eyes widen looking beyond Buck's shoulder, to no doubt where Eddie is stood.

TK clears his throat, awkward, slinging an arm around Carlos' waist and resting a hand on his stomach. "Hey. Eddie, right?"

"Right."

Buck hides his wince; he can tell already that Eddie doesn't _like_ TK. Paul stumbles in before Buck can think further on it, still proud of himself for his acoustic session out in the hall.

"Hey," Paul says, crossing the room to greet Eddie. Buck pleads with Eddie silently to unfold his arms from across his chest and stop looking so _intimidating_, almost sagging in relief when he offers a quick smile and shakes Paul's hand.

"Well. Since we have one more tonight, you three will just have to get cozy in the back of my car. Keep it clean," Carlos adds, with a wink at them before he turns both himself and TK, already heading out.

"Oh. He's not—"

"Eddie," Paul says, slapping against Eddie's arm, "come. Save me from these... _hooligans_."

"Just 'cos you can't keep up when we're dancing don't mean you gotta call us names," Carlos shouts back at them, him and TK already at the elevator.

Eddie looks to Buck for guidance. Buck doesn't have a clue. Would Eddie like dancing? It isn't something they have done together; even if it's just one of many scenarios Buck has pictured for himself when alone. Him and Eddie grinding on a dance floor together; what is not to like about _that_ image?

"I mean, you're welcome to, if you want. I just—"

"I'll need to make a phone call," Eddie says, giving him an out. He is waiting for him to give him an excuse for leaving, Buck realizes, which leaves him even more confused.

"So? Do it on the way," Paul says, already tugging Eddie towards the door. Eddie smiles, bemused and amused as he passes Buck, leaving him to stand in his own apartment lost for words, before Carlos is hollering for him to hurry up.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Eddie**

This is _not_ how Eddie envisioned spending his evening. He ends the call to Tant Effe thanking her for taking care of Christopher, discreetly putting his phone back in his pocket careful not to jostle Buck in the side. He isn't oblivious to the deliberate seating arrangements, with Paul taking up far more room than he needs so Eddie is pressed right against Buck. He also can't help seeing all the curious glances in his direction. He might have questions for Buck about it another time if he gets the chance. Though for now, all Eddie can think about is spending a few hours on a dance floor with Buck.

_Buck_. Who is living in a great apartment and from the looks of things has surrounded himself with a lot of new friends. Buck, who in Los Angeles, Eddie is sure didn't have much of a life at all. Eddie is happy for him, though also devastated that he doesn't have more reasons to convince Buck to come home.

They didn't even get that far into their conversation. Eddie hadn't quite got to the part in his rehearsed words where he told Buck how he feels. And now they're here, crammed together unnecessarily in the back of a really nice car pulling up outside a club that Eddie can feel the volume of the music of the moment he steps out. He watches Paul, Carlos, TK, and of course Buck as they head to the queue in a casual walk that tells him how often they must come here.

"So. you like it here?" Eddie asks once they join the queue, Paul stepping in front of them in what is an unsubtle way of giving them privacy.

"You mean... Austin? Or this club?" Buck replies, after waving to someone he recognizes further down the line.

"I guess both? Though here, specifically," Eddie says, gesturing at the building.

Buck nods, taking a step forward when those in front of them move. "I do. It's good."

"What's good about it?"

"Everyone's friendly. No pressure. Good music. Great bar. Not that any of us really drink when we're here," Buck adds, which confuses Eddie further. He might not have spent time with Buck in a club, but when they have been out in the past they've always had something to drink.

"Well. I'm driving, so. Makes sense."

Buck nods again, and before Eddie can even pull out his wallet Buck has paid entrance for them both. "It's fine," he says when Eddie tries to pay him back, already moving ahead of him to walk inside the club.

It is _loud_, though instantly Eddie knows what Buck means about friendly. There is a welcoming feeling as they walk through, with TK and Carlos leading the way and already dancing before they get to the dance floor. Paul gives Buck a signal weaving his way through the crowd, receiving a cheer when he joins a couple of people who welcome him with hugs. Which leaves Buck, and Eddie, and suddenly Eddie would rather be anywhere else. He'd wanted to talk to Buck, but there won't be much of that happening here. And if they aren't _talking_ well. What are they going to do with themselves?

"Do you dance, Eddie?" Buck asks, nodding to where TK is waving for them to join them.

Eddie's mouth dries for the thought of dancing with Buck. "Sure," he says, following Buck's lead when he nods for him to. For TK being so obviously into Carlos, Eddie's dislike of him lessens, though only a touch. Though most of Eddie's attention is taken by watching Buck so carefree and happy. So at home on the dance floor, Eddie can't not watch him dance.

The music changes to something distinctly sensual which has Carlos tugging TK closer, and Eddie not sure what to do with himself. For a guy sidling up to Buck with _that_ kind of look, Eddie steps closer to block his path, resting his hands on Buck's hips and praying not to make a further mess of things between them. Buck tucks against him, letting his hands come to rest on Eddie's chest. 24 hours ago, Eddie had no idea where Buck was in the world. Now he's here, literally in his arms, pressed tight up against him with apparently no objection. Eddie doesn't know what to make of anything. Though he is going to savor having Buck with him, even if all of this has been a whirlwind and he has no idea how it's happening. Or what happens next.

"Is Christopher okay?" Buck asks, leaning so he can speak in Eddie's ear above the noise. Eddie hopes he doesn't feel him shudder, tightening his grip at Buck's waist when the dance floor fills and Buck drapes his arms over his shoulders as someone pushes by them.

"He's fine. Probably high on ice cream and candy right about now. Oh, hopefully in bed, actually."

"Does he know you're here? Not here, specifically."

"He doesn't know I'm with you, if that's what you mean," Eddie replies, wishing he didn't have to raise his voice for Buck to hear. He wishes there were somewhere far more private than this club so they could talk properly. Though where else would he have the excuse to be touching Buck as he is?

"You didn't want him to?"

"I wanted to talk to you on my own. Not that we can really do much talking here."

"I'll message," Buck says, his expression so strangely neutral when they are pressed so close. "I will."

"Are you sure we can't drink something?" Eddie says for needing something to put this fluttery feeling from his stomach. Even if he should probably approach this bizarre situation with a clear head.

Buck looks to TK, who nods back at him and winks. Eddie has no idea what has passed between them but moves when Buck gestures for him to, following him to the bar. "What do you want?"

"I'll get these."

"It's fine," Buck says, waving down a bartender who hugs him across the bar. Does Buck know everyone here?

"You don't need to."

"It's fine," Buck repeats, and because Eddie doesn't give him any clues orders them both scotch, plus a shot of whatever the hell it is Eddie just put in his mouth.

"TK doesn't drink," Buck tells him gesturing back to the dance floor where they are.

"Because he doesn't want to? Or because he can't?"

"That's his story," Buck replies. "We just don't normally drink here, unless it's been a _day_, or something. TK doesn't mind, but we generally don't."

Eddie would ask why tonight they are breaking this rule, curiosity goading him to ask all kinds of questions, which of course he doesn't. Though he is thankful for the alcohol in his system, making it far easier to let his fingers stroke down Buck's arm before tugging on his hand to lead him back to the dance floor once they've finished their drinks. What the hell is he _doing_?

This is a question TK seems to be thinking as well for the look he gives them both. Buck's face is still unreadable but he willingly follows him, not objecting when Eddie tugs him close. Eddie hopes the vibe he is giving to everyone around them is something like _possessive bastard_. He might not know what he is doing, or be capable of saying exactly how he feels, but he hasn't seen Buck for months. He will not be sharing him with anybody else.

The tempo changes again, a roar rumbling up from beneath his feet as the entire club seems to rush for the dance floor. Buck keeps close to him; Eddie gets the impression it is a protective gesture more than any other for the way Paul is suddenly with them as well, the five of them dancing as a group. One song bleeds into another, and before he knows it Paul is gesturing for them to go back to the bar. So much for not drinking, Eddie thinks, when more drinks get pushed into his hand.

The music shifts once more. This time, with even more alcohol in his stomach, especially since it's been a while since he ate, Eddie reaches for Buck immediately without hesitation. Buck grinds up against him with a look on his face that could be fury, could be arousal, could be anything at all. Eddie can't tell, but for how eagerly Buck presses closer, he doesn't attempt to pull away. Why would he?

"I didn't even know you could dance," Buck says close to his ear again; has he already learned the perfect pitch to make Eddie melt?

"We haven't been anywhere for you to know either way."

"I guess," Buck replies, splaying his hands wider on Eddie's lower back.

There is nothing polite about the way they are moving together. It is part anger, and part arousal, and all underwritten by alcohol. Eddie can feel the hardness of him through his jeans, and knows Buck must be able to do the same with him. And they just keep _pushing_ one another. When Eddie brushes his lips over Buck's ear asking him how he's doing, Buck's fingers tighten in the back of his hair. When Buck slips one hand down to cover his ass, Eddie only takes it as invitation to be closer still.

Somewhere in the back of his thoughts, Eddie's rational voice screams at him to stop what he is doing. Though for how good Buck feels in his arms he just doesn't care enough to listen. Eddie isn't aware of another thing around him but Buck, his focus so narrowed, he barely registers that they've moved outside.

"So. We're walking."

Eddie is confused; first for the rush of cold air around him, and then for the muffled voices behind them calling out a goodnight. He doesn't feel drunk as such, though he does feel like he left any sense of reason back in Los Angeles. It even takes him a moment to register that it is Paul talking to him.

"Carlos and TK?" he asks.

"It probably isn't a good idea the three of us climbing into the back of their car smelling like this," Buck says. His closeness makes Eddie realize Buck has his arm around his shoulders. When did that happen?

"We didn't drink that much, right?" Eddie asks, and because he apparently has the perfect excuse, wraps his arm around Buck's waist. Which really shouldn't feel as right as it does.

"No. But I get why we shouldn't be in the car anyway. Besides. I'm _hungry_," Paul announces, the three of them picking up their pace, ordering pizza from an all-night takeout after just a couple of blocks.

By the time they have walked Paul home, and Eddie and Buck have eaten their pizza on the way back to his, Eddie feels a little more like himself again, wondering what this latest turn of events is going to do to their friendship. Fear begins to creep into his gut making all that pizza sit uncomfortably. Buck seems to be thinking similar as well, for having so little to say.

"You should probably stay," Buck says as they get to the foot of the building. "You drank too much to drive, and it's late."

"Would that be okay?"

"You need to message your aunt," Buck adds as he lets them in, which is about as good an invitation as Eddie thinks he's going to get.

"I will. She'll be asleep by now, though. What time is it?"

"Probably about two?"

"Not that late."

"No. Probably too late for her, though," Buck replies as they step into the elevator and he hits the button for his floor.

"You sure you don't mind? Me staying?" Eddie asks, stopping himself from touching him for now realizing just how handsy they have been all night. He has no excuses now, even with how much he wants to touch him.

Buck gives him a look, saying nothing as he lets them into his apartment.

* * *

**Buck**

What is he _doing_? Buck slots his fingers through his hair and grips in frustration, unable to believe that this is how the evening has turned out. It is two in the morning, he knows the feel of Eddie pressed up against him when they dance, and all that is filling Buck's thoughts now is getting Eddie into bed. Which he _can't_.

Eddie is in his bathroom, using one of the spare toothbrushes Buck bought in a pack, while Buck won't let himself pace for fearing it might reveal exactly how on edge he is about all of this. He _wants_ Eddie, and he's missed him after all this time. Though they really need to finish their conversation from before the club. Which they can't do, not at this hour.

Buck nods to Eddie when he comes out, rushing by to take his turn. He splashes water on his face staring himself down in the mirror, begging himself not to mess things up. Everything hurt yesterday, as it has been hurting, but also life was a lot more simple. _This_ is chaotic, and could absolutely lead to even worse things.

"It's good here. The apartment," Eddie says as he looks around, barefoot and already stripped down to a t-shirt and boxers. Should he offer him something to wear?

"It is. I like the views a lot."

"I like your old place."

"I sub-let it. Still had a while on my lease."

"Well. That's good, Buck. You seem happy here," Eddie says, peering out the window as he speaks for before pacing towards him from the other end of the room.

Buck has thought since moving in that his apartment was really too big for one person, but as he watches Eddie walk, he feels like everything is too small. He's already too close.

"I am," he says, pleading with his voice not to be croaking like it is. He wishes Eddie would stop looking him over with such _need_, though wonders if Eddie is only doing it because _he_ can't stop looking at him the same way.

"It's good to _see_ you happy."

"Thank you."

"I wish you'd been this happy in Los Angeles," Eddie adds, coming to a stop in front of him, making Buck's stomach flutter.

"Me, too."

"Weren't you happy there at all?"

"I was. In a lot of ways."

"Like what?" Eddie asks, and though there is barely any space between them, he manages to step closer still.

"Like... I loved working."

"You can do that here. You can do that anywhere," Eddie points out with a gaze that just tugs on Buck's stomach. This isn't fair. Buck is helpless as he stares back at him.

"I know."

"So? What else? What else could I do to keep you _happy_, Buck? To keep you _with_ me?"

It's because he's been drinking, Buck tells himself desperately, his heart fluttering when Eddie tilts his chin at him, letting his gaze fall to then stay on Buck's mouth.

"Eddie—"

"I mean it. What would it have taken for me to keep you around?"

"I didn't think you really cared if I _was_ around," Buck blurts out, licking his lips and trying not to move nearer while yelling in his head to make his escape, _now_. Before he messes things up for good.

Eddie's eyes narrow, nostrils flaring like he is _livid_ with him. Buck hopes this isn't how things end between them, in a pointless fistfight for letting alcohol get the better of them, and too many words out. Even if they've barely said anything. Even if Buck hasn't admitted how he feels at _all_. Buck squares his shoulders ready to shove Eddie back when he lunges for him, clinging on to his arms in surprise instead, when Eddie growls under his breath, and the only thing he launches at him is his _mouth_.

Buck needs no time to catch up for how often he has thought of kissing him, pushing back against Eddie when they grab one another so brutally, they struggle to stay upright. Eddie cups his jaw in one hand as the other grabs Buck's ass to press him closer, gasping against his lips before claiming an even harder kiss. Buck claws at his shirt, getting it up and over Eddie's head with one hard tug, shrugging out of his own shirt almost ripping it in the process when one of the buttons gets caught.

Eddie wastes no time, grabbing and feeling out the shape of Buck through his jeans, smirking against his mouth when Buck groans for it, then quickly unbuttoning, unzipping, and shoving his jeans and boxers down in one go. Buck groans for being taken in hand, Eddie's fingers wrapping around him and stroking, Eddie's throat clicking audibly for it. Buck slips his hands into the back of Eddie's boxers squeezing his ass, letting his eyes flutter closed for the way his swallows for it. Buck _has_ to touch him, pulling back Eddie's waistband and getting his hand in his boxers, calling out Eddie's name when he finally gets him in his grip.

Hearing Eddie curse shouldn't have the effect on him that it does, Buck whimpering for it as he tries to rock into his hand. He cradles the back of Eddie's head as they continue their brutal kiss, like they only have a few minutes and time is almost up. For the way Eddie groans against his mouth. Buck thinks he won't last much longer. Between his noises and the way his hand feels on him, Buck flings his arm around Eddie's shoulders knowing if he doesn't, there is no way he'll stay upright.

Eddie has other ideas, shoving down his own boxers and stepping out of them, holding an arm out for support so Buck can step out of his clothes as well. Eddie curses against his mouth as he angles to take them both in hand, though even stops that quicker than Buck would like. But he isn't complaining, not for the way Eddie then manhandles him on to the couch.

Eddie writhing between his legs, mouthing at his neck hard enough so Buck knows he'll have at least some marks, the desperate way he claims his mouth again; Buck tries to savor and catalog it all. There isn't much he can do but cling on, roll his hips up to meet Eddie every time he moves.

"Get your legs around me," Eddie growls against his throat, groaning there when Buck does as he's asked. The angle change is _perfect_, the two of them moving together hard enough to make the couch creak under their weight.

Buck arches as he comes, shuddering his way through it, turning his head to the side as Eddie mouths over his neck. For the feel of Eddie coming, the hot spurts between their stomach and chests, Buck decides he must be having a really good, alcohol-induced dream. Right up until the moment Eddie sags against him, mouthing a, _"fuck_," right behind his ear.

* * *

**Eddie**

"_Fuck_."

Eddie drops his face in Buck's neck adjusting his grip on the couch arm behind his head. He can feel Buck's heart racing, and how, now they're _done_, he is hesitant to be touching him. Buck's legs are still wrapped around his waist, and their _mess_ cooling between them; there is no way for them not to touch. Eddie doesn't want to move, sure the moment he does, the world might crash down around them. What did they just _do_?

"Eddie? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm good. Are you?" Eddie doesn't want to look at him, but he has to, only brave enough for the briefest glimpse. His smile is a false one, and it makes something catch in Eddie's throat for seeing.

"Yeah. I'm good. Maybe we should, uh... move? Shower?"

"Yeah. Of course." Eddie quickly stands, trying to avert his eyes, which is a little too late now. Buck stands too, beckoning for Eddie to follow. They are soon under the spray of Buck's shower though about as far apart as it is possible to get in such a small space. Eddie has shared many a shower with people he hasn't shared _himself_ with, but this all feels oh so wrong.

They even dry off in silence, Eddie self-conscious now, wishing their clothes weren't trailed over the living room floor. Though since he doesn't know where to put himself, he stands to the side of the door, waiting for Buck to tell him what to do.

"Do you want to sleep?" Buck asks without looking at him. What Eddie wouldn't give to be able to read his mind.

"Sure?"

Buck nods for him to follow, surprising Eddie by leading him to his bedroom where he switches on the light, then waves towards the bed. He gestures at the other side of the bed before climbing in, Eddie only hesitating until he sees Buck settle on his back. The bed is comfortable, wide enough for them to lie side by side without touching. Which is probably for the best, though after what they just shared, feels so wrong.

"I... don't know what to say to you, Eddie."

Eddie closes his eyes, steepling his fingers over his chest. He wants to ask Buck only to say he doesn't regret what they just did, that it meant even half as much to Buck as it did to him. Even if Eddie wishes beyond anything that they'd shared _that_ with one another under much different circumstances.

"No. Me neither."

"I hope you don't think I... I didn't _plan_ for this," Buck adds, sounding so uncertain Eddie has to turn to look at him.

"What? No. No, Buck; the thought didn't even cross my mind. I hope you don't think _I_ did either."

Eddie can _hear_ him thinking, he is sure of it.

"No," Buck says after a long, weighty pause, "I didn't."

"I won't pretend I haven't thought about it though," Eddie blurts out, his heart thudding when Buck raises his head, open-mouthed in surprise.

"You did?"

"No. I _do_," Eddie corrects. He's already started this thing. And while his defenses are down because of everything over the last couple of hours, words don't seem to be as difficult.

"What?"

"What do you mean, _what_?"

Buck swallows, audibly, struggling to keep eye contact. "What did you _think_ about?"

Eddie bunches his fingers in the sheets so he doesn't touch him like he wants to. "That. What we did. And a lot of other things. So much more."

"Why?"

"Why, what?"

"Why did you think that?"

"Because I _want_ you, Buck," he says, "Because I _have_ wanted you. For a while now."

Buck's head drops back against the pillow as he shakes his head. "You don't need to say that."

"But I _do_, Buck. What did you think I came here to say?"

"That you were mad at me?" Buck says, so wounded in his tone that it almost breaks Eddie's heart.

"I _am_ mad at you. But only because I missed you so damn much. Because you _left_ me."

"I didn't think you'd care," Buck says, dropping his eyes.

Eddie has to put him straight. He rolls over, draping over Buck's side and kissing him before Buck can react. He feels Buck startle for it and pulls back in alarm thinking that this attention is now uninvited, only for Buck to shake his head and tilt his chin to be kissed again.

This time when they kiss, it is nothing like it was out there in the lounge. They take their time, learning the taste and feel of one another, only pausing to catch their breath, and smile. This really isn't happening, Eddie tells himself, sure he's drunk too much, and imagined too much, and that he'll wake up soon to a world without Buck in it at all. Buck feels too good and too willing for any of this to be really happening. The way Buck keeps trying to pull him nearer only tells Eddie he doesn't believe this is happening either.

"I would care, Buck. I do _care_," he says when they curl up together on their sides, Buck's hand flexing on the sheets between them like he doesn't know if he is still allowed to touch. So Eddie covers his hand with his own, sliding his leg across the bed so their shins are pressed together. He'd like to be closer, though this is all so new and so sudden it is probably wise to take a little time.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Why didn't you?" Eddie asks, smiling when Buck frowns, then bites his lip, then lifts up enough to kiss him quickly again.

"Well. Not so long ago, there was _Shannon_. And you were thinking of putting your family back together again. I didn't—I didn't think you even looked at me like that."

"Believe me. I was looking at you like that. I _have_ been. I just didn't know what to do about it. And besides, you _are_ my family," Eddie says. He has to make him understand. "A part of it, anyway."

Buck smiles, looking relieved though tired, pressing his face into his pillow. "We need to talk. Properly."

"We do."

"Not _now_, though. It's late. Early. Something."

Eddie doesn't want to go to sleep. What if they wake a few hours from now, and forget the sweetness of this moment? Though he is tired, and aching in pleasant ways that were part of no plans of his tonight. "Okay, Buck. Then let's sleep."

Buck nods, unclasping their hands so he can roll back and flick a switch for the light. He rolls back towards him, Eddie adjusting his eyes to the dark to monitor his outline.

"You will still be here. In the morning, I mean. Won't you?" Buck asks, his words halting like he is trying not to let them out.

"I will. I promise."

Buck sighs in relief, letting his hand flutter before settling on Eddie's waist. Eddie rests his own against Buck's chest, sure he'll sleep tonight purely for being in Buck's space.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**Buck**

Buck doesn't want to open his eyes. What if he is imagining the heat of a body beside him, and a protective hand resting on the small of his back? He blinks his eyes open slowly, squeezing them shut again before really letting himself look. Eddie is here. Still asleep on the pillow beside him. How the hell has everything aligned to bring him _this_?

Yesterday, just 24 hours ago, Eddie was barely a figment of Buck's imagination. How everything has turned around to having him here in his bed, Buck isn't sure. Though then the events of the evening come back to him sending a rush of heat flushing up his throat and the back of his neck, and there is little else he can think about.

They'd danced together, and drank together, and had sex out there on the couch. They'd talked as well, which should be the most important thing here. Buck tries to replay every word they've spoken, though gets lost in remembering the sounds Eddie makes when he comes. He tries to rearrange his face into a neutral one from smirking when he feels Eddie begin to stir.

Eddie shifts as he wakes, and when he freezes Buck knows the moment he remembers. Buck watches him crack one eye open, then _oofs_ for the force of Eddie sliding across the bed to hug him while mouthing a, "_thank fuck_," in his neck.

"Do you curse like this all the time?" Buck asks, allowing himself to leisurely stroke his hand up Eddie's side before hugging him back. He is sure he has never heard all that many curse words from him.

"Hell, no. Christopher would—_Christopher_," he says, tensing, squeezing Buck tighter before moving to sit up. "Where'd I leave my phone?"

"Wherever you put your jeans last night, I think?"

Eddie groans as he slides to the end of the bed, turning back to look at him before standing, like he doesn't know where to be. Christopher wins, as he should do. Buck closes his eyes and pulls the comforter up, smiling as he strains an ear to hear Eddie talk. He'd love to talk to Christopher himself, but under the circumstances when everything is such an unknown, he doesn't know if he should.

Eddie makes the decision for him by ending the call before he comes back through, poking his head around the door frame to say he is using the bathroom. He comes back to bed, still naked, slipping beneath the comforter so it is covering him from the waist down.

"When are you working again?"

"Tomorrow."

Eddie nods. Buck is reminded he'd mentioned they were going to El Paso this afternoon. The thought of Eddie going again so soon leaves an ache in his chest. It hurts so much that he has to make excuses to use the bathroom as well, just for a little reprieve.

Eddie is still in bed when he returns, still toying with his phone. His eyes track Buck's movement across the room openly looking him over, only looking at Buck's face when he crawls back into bed.

"What time's your flight?" Buck says now he has taken a moment to prepare himself. He can put on a mask, pretend none of this hurts if Eddie is about to walk away. At least, he can tell himself he can.

"Three."

They have a few hours. What can they say in just a few hours to fix all that has happened in the last few months?

"I'm sure Christopher can't wait," he says, thinking that it is easier to focus on a neutral subject like _Christopher_ instead of the complicated mess that is them.

"You should've seen the look he gave me when I said I was coming with," Eddie says, smiling for whatever it is he is remembering.

"He was happy?"

"He was _pissed_," Eddie says, laughing as he lets his head fall back against the headboard. "He has all these plans with his cousins, and his aunts. Thinks I'll stop him having _fun_ if I'm there."

"I'm sure you won't."

Eddie nods and shakes his head at the same time like he isn't sure about that. "Sounds like he's having more fun with Tant Effe without me already."

"Which means he's being _spoiled_."

"She took him to an iHop for breakfast," Eddie says, groaning; Buck can already picture a hyped-up Christopher on sugar and syrup, and groans a little with him.

"Does he, uh... he's doing okay, right?"

"He is," Eddie agrees, his smile filling with pride. "Aced all his school reports, end of year tests. His reading is like... astronomical. And his art," Eddie adds, smiling to himself. "If you ever come back to Los Angeles, you have essentially a whole gallery waiting for you."

Buck nods, his future back to being unknown. These hours shared with Eddie made all thought of that disappear. Now, with Eddie already sounding like he is resigned to him not returning, Buck doesn't think he could feel more bleak.

"I want you to come back," Eddie says as though he is reading his thoughts, reaching to rest his hand on Buck's leg over the comforter.

Why is this everything Buck has been waiting to hear, yet still doesn't sound like quite enough? "Yeah?"

"Buck..."

Eddie leans to kiss him, with none of the heat from last night. Not that Buck is complaining; this is sweet, and tender, and so _peaceful _it is easy to forget the world beyond this room, and all the complications that come with it. Buck leans into the kiss, moving so he can cradle Eddie's head in his hand. Eddie pulls back only to rest their foreheads together while they catch their breath, before kissing him again.

When Eddie slips down the bed, his phone falls to the carpet with a thud as Buck crawls between his legs. Buck walks his hands up his chest before taking him in hand, Eddie batting it away and shaking his head.

"We have time," Eddie says, even though they really don't. Buck drops until their chests are pressed together, barely moving at all as they languidly kiss.

"I still wish we had longer," Buck tells him, because if there is any time to be honest with each other, it is now.

"I wish you hadn't _left_."

"Would this have happened if I hadn't?"

"Buck..."

If Eddie doesn't want to answer him, Buck thinks he knows the answer. So he will savor this time they are sharing now, and won't let himself hope for more. Buck stirs his hips, already loving the feel of Eddie thickening against him, the hardness of his body against his own. He would explore, get to know him with lips and fingers, but Buck can't help remember time is short. Besides, if he takes too much, won't it be even harder to let him go?

For the way Eddie looks at him between kisses Buck can let himself believe he is feeling the same. There is heat, and want in his gaze though also ache and devastation. He rolls his hips harder for it, swallowing Eddie's answering groans like that might take this sense of losing him away.

After, Buck tucks his face into Eddie's neck, closing his eyes for Eddie running his hands over his back. He feels _cherished_, the soft Spanish endearments whispered in his ear heartbreaking because he wants to hear more of them, and is sure he never will again.

"I missed you, Buck," Eddie groans before hugging him close. Buck burrows closer telling himself he is not allowed to cry.

They shower together again, this time trading kisses under the shower spray until they can't stall for any more time. When Buck returns to the lounge after dressing Eddie is dressed as well, wearing a pensive look on his face that puts a grip on Buck's heart.

"I don't suppose you can take some time to come with us to El Paso for a few days?" Eddie asks, which is the last thing Buck expects to hear.

"Uh, no. No, I can't."

Eddie nods, pursing his lips.

"Would you want me to?" Buck can't help ask.

"Wouldn't ask if I didn't. I wish you _could_. I don't want to walk away from you now, after all _this_. I don't think we—I feel like if I leave now, nothing will change between us. Nothing good, anyway."

Buck nods, feeling the same. Though what are they supposed to do?

"Actually, it's probably for the best," Eddie says, running his hand over his stubble in thought, and with no idea how his words feel like a kick to Buck's stomach.

"Yeah."

"I just don't think we'd really get anything resolved in front of my parents. Hell knows they'd have _opinions_."

The punch of Eddie's words is soothed a little, only to be replaced by a different kind of pain. "They wouldn't like it? Us, I mean?"

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Well. You won them over when they came to stay after _Shannon_, seeing how much you loved Chris. I think they'd be surprised. But I think they'd support it."

Buck will not let himself feel hope. How can he, when they are about to be separated again?

"We really do need to talk, work this out, without them interfering," Eddie adds, folding his arms tight across his chest as he comes to stand in front of him. Buck doesn't think he has ever wanted to reach for Eddie as badly as he does now.

"Yeah. I guess with your whole family watching, it wouldn't really work out."

"Besides. I don't think, right now, it would be fair on Chris," Eddie adds, his expression clouding. Buck doesn't know what he means, and also doesn't school in his confusion in time. "Buck. You _left_ us. Without a word. Like... _nothing_. It's been hell for me, but for him? I can't put him through thinking you're back in our life only for you to disappear again. He went through so much of that with his mom; I can't do it again. _He_ can't."

Buck is crushed, wounded by his own lack of thought. How did he never take the time to think how badly this would hurt Christopher? Buck has always kept it to himself, but he'd secretly thought the little he knew of Shannon's behavior was horrifying, even while telling himself he didn't know the full story and shouldn't judge. How could she look at her beautiful son and not want to give him the entire world? How could she bear to be away from him? Yet what has he now done? Walking away how he did is exactly the same kind of abandonment. Even if he _did_ feel like he didn't matter to anyone.

"I'm so sorry—"

"I get it, okay?" Eddie tells him, waving away Buck's words. "I do; I get all of it. But _he_ deserves more from this—from both of us in this. So, yeah, Buck, maybe; maybe an apology for Chris is no bad thing. But I don't _want_ him to hear one now. Not if you aren't coming back to us. Not if we can't work _us_ out at least a little first."

Buck wants to drop everything, do anything to wrap Christopher up in his arms, beg for his forgiveness. How could he have been so selfish? "Eddie—"

"I need to go," Eddie says, patting down his pockets and giving the apartment door a bitter look. Does he not want to leave?

"Of course."

"What do you have planned for today?"

Honestly, what Buck would like to do is crawl back into bed. His sheets will still smell of Eddie. Maybe he needs to hold on to that for a couple more hours before he cleans the apartment from top to bottom, in an attempt to pretend he hadn't been here at all.

"I'm Skyping Maddie this morning. Horse-riding this afternoon—"

"_Horseriding_?"

"This is Texas," Buck replies, smiling for the incredulous look Eddie gives him. "Judd's uncle has a place."

"I didn't even know you _could_."

"I volunteered at a place one summer," Buck says letting a memory of that year lift his spirits a little, before the reality of Eddie leaving hits again.

"I guess there are all kinds of things I don't know about you," Eddie says giving him a once-over that really isn't fair for how it flares fresh heat in Buck's core. He still wants him, desperately, and for not knowing when they'll see each other again Buck feels helpless. Though he can't let Eddie know that.

"Yeah. I guess so."

"Are you happy here, Buck?" Eddie asks then, with an intense look that makes it hard for Buck to answer. Though he _will_.

"I am."

"Enough to stay here indefinitely?"

"There isn't a job here indefinitely."

"But if there was," Eddie insists. "You're building a life here. You have things going on here, that I don't think I ever remember you having back in L.A. So would you—if there _was_ work here, would you stick around?"

Buck doesn't know how to answer, because there is no way he can have what he wants. He can't have a workplace where he feels valued _and_ Eddie and Christopher in his life. And for the way he left the 118, Buck doesn't know if Bobby would ever accept him back after his six months here in Austin is up. Would he even want to go back there, with all the bad feeling he still has, with all the memories and mistakes that he replays so often? When Buck still can't help feeling like he was pushed away by his family, even if it was never as simple as that?

"I think I got my answer," Eddie says when Buck doesn't answer, his shoulders sagging as he moves towards the door.

"No. You _didn't_," Buck says, grabbing his arm before Eddie can get too far. "I didn't say anything."

"Exactly."

"It's just complicated," Buck says, tugging so Eddie knows to turn.

"Doesn't have to be."

"If it doesn't have to be, then why didn't you ever tell me how you felt before?"

Eddie sighs, hard, nodding his head in agreement, taking his time to look Buck in the eye. "Yeah. I know. This isn't all on you."

"Doesn't make things any easier."

"No. It really doesn't."

Buck hates this, wishes Eddie's leaving was already over. He needs some time to compose himself, to let himself cry. He can't let Maddie see how upset he is when she calls. She already has so many unpleasant things to say about Eddie; Buck doesn't want to do anything to invite even more. She's protective, he gets it, but his heart is about to break for losing Eddie again. He can't face anything else negative in his world; not today.

"You'll message?" Eddie asks then, defeat in his every word and gesture.

"Of course." 

Eddie nods again, then without warning, pulls Buck into his arms. Buck holds on tight as he hugs him back, pleading with himself not to start crying yet.

"We'll talk," Eddie mumbles into his shoulder before he straightens up to hold him close.

"We will."

"I miss you."

Buck doesn't even know if he can speak for the lump in his throat. "I miss you too, Eddie."

Eddie cups his face in his hand, kisses him sweetly, sighing as he drops their foreheads together. He brushes his lips over Buck's cheek, his throat clicking as he turns away. Buck watches him go, thankful his tears don't start falling until Eddie closes the door behind him.


End file.
